I don't know if it's the pms or what, but I think I'm on the verge of some sort of breakdown. I'm so fucking stressed it's ridiculous. Why is it at 24 I have more stress than the average 45 year old? I'm young, my life should be about fun. Instead it's about my overly stressful career that seems to put the weight of the goddamn world on my shoulders, car payments, bill payments, and a mortgage. I still haven't even thought about planning the wedding yet. I'm feeling like I'm growing up too fast, but I can't stop it. This whole buying the house process has really been adding a lot of extra stress. I just can't wait until they finish building it and we can move in. They're planning it to be done in November, it can't come fast enough. At least that's a stress that will be resolved, my job on the other hand, who knows. I love swatch so much and I love my job, but I can't handle them fucking me over anymore and taking advantage of me. I fly all over the place for this company and I do it at no notice. I moved here out of nowhere because they needed me to, I didn't even have a chance to tell anyone I was moving when they asked me to move, they gave me a day and I did it. I never even got a chance to settle in, it was just straight to work. I do all of this, and I do it with a smile on my face, didn't bitch about it once, and now I'm getting fucked over. I'm working every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday- and I hate that. Juston only has off Saturdays and Sundays and I can't even take fucking days off with him anymore. It's almost blackout period for vacation, and they aren't letting me take it. And that's all just the beginning. I feel like I'm in a bad relationship with an abusive cheating boyfriend. No matter what I do, how much money I make them, or how i've brought this store to being number 2 in secret shops in the entire company, it's never enough. I put in my resume at Apple to be a manager there. I have a great chance at getting the job, however, there is no job available yet. I don't plan on putting in my resume anywhere else, Tampa doesn't have any good stores and there's nothing here I feel meets my standards. My friend James told me to move to Vegas to manage a Steve Madden out there, but that's insane. Juston has an amazing job at Burberry and we just bought a house. Argh if it's not one thing, it's another. I just don't want the stress anymore. I need my vacation and I need some sort of life change.

Vacation soon. I can't wait...I need it.

My birthday next week...I'm not too excited about turning 24, I am excited about the GPS my parents are getting me though. It's fuckin sweet and does everything.

Houston was a lot of fun. I hung out a bunch, so it made working not so bad.

Juston got a new job, he's going to be a manager at the new Burberry store opening up in my mall. I'm really excited for him. He'll be making more money than me, which is really awesome. It was a little hard for me at first knowing he was going to make more than me, ha but that's just because I'm a brat. It'll be good.

tampa still sucks.

blah.

so I got a new car which is pretty awesome. Brand new 2007 Volvo S40 loaded. I'm wicked stoked on that, that's pretty much the only thing in my life that i'm stoked on honestly.

i hate it because lately i've been completely miserable and depressed. i hate everything so much and it sucks. i hate being depressed and this is the most depressed i've been in years. i'm so fucking lonely here. i feel like i have no one. maybe it's no different than it's been but now it's just more apparent to me. i have no reason to wake up every morning and i hate that. the only thing i have is my job, which luckily i love. i don't go out at all here, even less than i did in orlando because i need to avoid the drama and awkwardness. 

i just don't know. i really don't know what to do anymore. all i know is somethings gotta change and get better because i can't feel like this everyday

So yeah, for those of you who haven't heard yet, I'm moving to Tampa. I'm not wicked stoked on it at all, but I'm going.

My company offered me a job to be store manager and making A LOT of money, and they're also giving me money to move there, and paying for me to live in a hotel until I find a place to live, so yeah, I really couldn't turn it down. This is the job I've been wanting for a long time now.

I start working in International Plaza next Monday, and for all of next week I'll probably be back and forth because I really don't want to spend everyday in my hotel room.

If you know areas by International Plaza that don't suck to live in, let me know because I have no idea where I'm going to live.

I plan on being back in Orlando a bunch, at least once or twice a week, probably more around twice a week.  So it's not like I'll never be here to hang out, it'll be like I never left.

I'm really sad about this, and nervous. I really don't want to leave everyone, but this is my career.

Sucks that I just moved into my new place and just finished unpacking and I'm gonna have to pack it all up again.

I'll have my apartment until Nov.1st, if you wanna rent it let me know.

I'm sure I'll have some sort of going away thing, but I'll figure that out when I know what day I'm officially moving.

So yeah...that's all...

pause


                      wait no.....      

                             STOP

                            now.....

rewind.....

let's go back...

before things were complicated...

before everything hurt....

i cant feellike this anymore